In these homes, a high value gets placed on achievement. I think the way these kids are created sends the message: “You’re not good enough. You need to achieve. You’re not accepted.”
When the kids struggle, it’s especially devastating. Some kids have disabilities from being born preterm, which used to be a big risk with IVF. Or they have learning differences or autism.
Sometimes, parents chose an egg donor and then later found out that she had psychiatric problems. Then the kid gets viewed through that lens, which can be pretty devastating and traumatic: “Your donor is nuts, so you must be, too.”
The child grows up feeling very different, knowing they were an experiment but not getting the proper support or acceptance they need to thrive. Because there’s not a caregiver who’s like, “I get you.” There’s none of that.
In my work, I help parents accept: This is the child that you have. And I help kids accept the reality of their parents and forge a relationship that’s less hurtful—or build a life without them.
Many of my families have neurodiverse members who need help making abstract concepts more concrete. Sometimes just explaining “you and your child are not the same person” does the trick. Or say a teenager doesn’t feel loved. I might need to clarify to them that “love” is not a tangible feeling, like getting pinched or kicked. It means someone feels fondness toward you like you feel fondness toward Legos or drones.
In high school, a lot of teens are linking up with half-siblings through 23andMe, sometimes ones who live all over the world. It’s common in these families to have different egg donors for different kids because they’ve tried to get, say, a sporty son and an artsy daughter. What do you do when one of your children has found their half-siblings and is bonding, while your other child doesn’t have a good experience with their newfound relatives? Who do you invite to Thanksgiving?
I really feel for the moms. They’re trying to balance everyone’s expectations and hold it all together. But it’s unfair to the dads, too. Because I’m not sure the dads can accurately predict human behavior. They probably can predict stocks, but human behavior has way too many variables. I don’t know if anyone’s making sure parents understand that they can’t test-drive a child and then return it.
Trying to control your child is a recipe for disaster. The kid is going to rebel. If you have a preconceived notion of how they’re going to be, either you’re going to be severely disappointed or you’re going to shove them into a mold and it’s not going to work.
Maybe sometimes it does work, but those people don’t come to me.
—As told to Emi Nietfeld