I’ve always felt like the wrong kind of person. I was halfway through Annabel Monaghan’s beach read, Summer Romance when I came across these words. Up until this point, the book had been breezy and light—an entertaining escape from my every day. But I stopped when I came to that sentence, arrested by its truth and resonance. Like many, I’ve always felt a bit awkward and unsure of what to say or how to act in social situations. It’s why I’ve always leaned into etiquette, understanding the arbitrary rules as a roadmap for life. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve seen the importance of trusting my own capabilities and embracing a quiet sort of confidence. For guidance, I sought answers in a confidence coach—and I’m obsessed with what she shared.
Featured image from our interview with Iskra Lawrence by Michelle Nash.
How to Be Confident—Tips From a Confident Coach Herself
For women especially, confidence—or a lack thereof—extends to every part of our lives. It defines how we feel about our bodies, our friendships, and our careers (imposter syndrome, anyone?). And because we’ve been conditioned to make ourselves smaller in every sense, connecting with our innate sense of confidence not only feels like a challenge. Much of the time, it can seem impossible.
I connected with Daniela Russo, a life and confidence coach based in Amsterdam, not only because of her expertise and training, but what her personal story reveals about the reality of confidence. When I ask Russo what her journey with confidence has looked like, she describes an experience that many women can relate to. She remembers not feeling special or “good enough.”
But she had always worked hard in pursuit of her goals, and when she moved to Rome for university, her efforts began paying off. Pairing her goals with an action plan—a method fixed on plan A, plan B, etc.—she had proof that making her dreams come true required the “right effort and determination.” That, Russo says, is when she started to believe in herself.
It’s evidence that confidence is a practice and something we can all build for ourselves. Ahead, Russo shares tips for finding your unique voice, putting your value forth, and stepping into every area of your life with confidence.
Daniela Russo
Daniela Russo is a Life Coach coach based in Amsterdam. After a successful career as lawyer and more than 15 years working around the world in humanitarian aid organizations she decided to dedicate myself to the coaching business and help people in their quest of meaning. She is a certified Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming®, using a combination of NLP techniques, tests, exercises and guided meditations. Over the past years, she has supported hundreds of people to find more clarity in their life and reconnect with themselves, increasing the sense of confidence and trust in their own abilities. Daniela has worked with entrepreneurs, doctors, psychologists, coaches, teachers and people from different backgrounds.
How do you define confidence? What does life feel like when you’re living in the realm of confidence?
There are so many misconceptions about confidence. It’s often conflated with self-esteem or thought to be an innate personality trait. (Either you’re born with it or you’re not.) But Russo defines it perfectly, telling me that “confidence is not something you have—it’s something you create.” And to the skeptics, she adds this uplifting note: you can create confidence at any moment.
“Confidence is a sense of power within yourself, a sense of certainty that you can do it,” Russo asserts. She adds that no one has a baseline, constant confidence. Instead, she describes the key as being able to turn it on and tap into your confidence when you need it.
The Success Cycle and the Power of Your Beliefs
Your beliefs are one of the key factors that impact your confidence, says Russo. If you’re well-equipped to do something but say to yourself: I’ve never done this before so I probably won’t succeed, it’s unlikely that you’ll tap into your potential.
She relates this to the Success Cycle, which is a model for explaining why success begets more success and failure breeds failure. Russo illustrates the momentum behind your beliefs and how it can get you on the path to success—and stay there.
When you fail, your brain will look back on this moment as proof—essentially saying See, I told you. That begins to build a cycle and can establish a reinforcing belief pattern. Your brain points back to that experience as truth, and in turn, you believe less in yourself and becomes all the more challenging to engage your potential and take action. “You get even worse results,” says Russo, “and now you’re truly locked into the downward spiral.”
But, she’s quick to add—this also works in the reverse. “When you know you’ll succeed, you will tap into more potential and take more action. From there, you get great results.”
Just as the Success Cycle can push you further into the cycle of failure, it can also yield positive results. “At this point, your belief system says, I will be successful at whatever I do. Whatever I do will yield great results.
“Your beliefs become even stronger. Now that you’re in that success cycle, it will drive you to a whole new level. That’s how beliefs are formed.”
What can people expect from working with a confidence coach?
“A confidence coach can help you stop doubting yourself and your abilities,” says Russo. She notes several of the other benefits of working with a confidence coach:
- You can learn to set clear boundaries and improve your communication skills.
- You can face daily challenges with ease.
- You may feel happier in life and more fulfilled in your career.
- You’ll learn how to better control your emotions, and overcome fears and limiting beliefs.
- By the end of the coaching process, you will care less about what others think of you.
Signs You May Need to Work With a Confidence Coach
- You compare yourself to others and feel your peers are better than you.
- You feel insecure about yourself and doubt your abilities despite any successes.
- You put pressure on yourself to meet your very high standards.
- You are often afraid to speak up in meetings at work and are scared of being judged.
- You have high expectations for yourself and even small mistakes make you question your competence.
5 Tips for Leveling Up Your Confidence, According to a Confidence Coach
Ahead, Russo shares her top five tips to help you build confidence. From there, you can experience the personal growth and professional success that a belief in yourself can bring. Once you cultivate confidence, you can approach life with certainty and lean into the joy and expansion behind every challenge.
1. Stop seeking approval
Stop seeking approval and validation. The more you seek it, the less you get it. Confident people don’t care what others think about them. Approval-seeking behavior is normal to a certain extent, but the problem begins when you start comparing yourself to other people. You will always find somebody who is better than you.
Accept that no matter what you do, somebody won’t like you. Rejection is part of your life, it’s inevitable. You will never get everyone’s validation and approval (and trying to do so can be destructive).
Make it happen: Instead, of comparing yourself to others, compare yourself against yourself. Are you doing your best? What progress have you made?
2. Push Your Comfort Zone
One of the most important traits of successful people is the willingness to push their comfort zone. Are they afraid? Sure!
Whenever you push your comfort zone you expand it.
Your comfort zone is just like a muscle—you can’t grow it without a little bit of sweat. Whenever you do something that scares you, you make that fear smaller and become more and more comfortable with the uncomfortable. Most successful people are willing to take calculated risks and accept that certain situations will make them feel uncomfortable. However, they are aware that the potential reward is much bigger than the temporary discomfort. Become that person.
Make it happen: What is one activity that scares you? Identify it and make a conscious decision to do it. Set the time and face that fear.
3. Pay attention to your body language
Pay attention to your posture and be conscious of your body language. Instead of slouching, looking down, or not maintaining eye contact, try consciously standing straight. Hold your head up. When you walk, always walk with a sense of direction. These small changes can dramatically impact the way you feel.
Make it happen: Pay attention to how you feel when you maintain good posture. Take note of your energy and how much more confident you feel. The next time you’re tempted to cross your arms or slouch, consciously take note and switch to a more confident, open posture.
4. Emulate Confident People
Speak the way they speak. Dress the way they dress. Move the way they move. Modeling is based on the concept that there is no point in reinventing the wheel unless necessary. If you are trying to do something that someone else has already accomplished, don’t try to be original simply for the sake of it. Instead, learn from the best and let their path to success inspire you.
Make it happen: Think of someone you admire whose successes mirror the milestones you’d like to achieve. For example: someone who has built a flourishing business, run a marathon, or written a book. Study their path to success and commit to learning from it. What worked for them? How can you use that information to lay the groundwork for your own journey?
5. Make a promise to yourself and keep it
You can start with something small—something simple that you know you’re going to deliver on. Celebrate when you accomplish that thing. Speak to yourself out loud, acknowledging that you set out to do it and you did. This helps you build credibility with yourself.
Make it happen: Pick something you can do by the end of the day. Write it on your to-do list and prioritize it. At the end of your day, lean into that sense of accomplishment and let it build the momentum for further success.